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Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
1:42 pm
I have a new livejournal: underwaterdream

I've had this one since I was 14 or 15, and I feel like it's time to make a fresh start.

So, come on over and be my friend.

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Friday, January 4th, 2008
3:18 am
Tonight was really a beautiful night in many many ways. I went to farmers and saw a large group of people, and had sushi with Mallory, and after farmers Mallory, Mike, Joey and me walked and danced around, and went on random adventures, and took dramatic pictures, and had a fantabulous time.

But I saw Alisha for the first time in over a year tonight, and that was fucking awkward. We were both adult about it, but it was pretty clear that neither of us wanted to be in that situation. Blah.

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Sunday, December 30th, 2007
5:44 pm
I am incredibly confused.

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Saturday, December 29th, 2007
3:42 am
I have been doomed to be perpetually homesick.

Being back in California has been wonderful and all, but I want to be on the next plane to England. I miss everything, even the rubbish stuff.

My life is quickly becoming stagnant.

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Friday, December 28th, 2007
12:53 am
I miss Sam. I don't really know it what way I miss him, but I really miss him. Mmmmph.

I don't have to go into work tomorrow and that makes me happy.

I got to know my friend Nathan a lot better tonight, and that makes me happy. We have plans to drink good German beer and watch British comedy when my DVDs arrive, and he returns from some random robot internship thingie. I enjoy talking to people that don't make me feel awkward and small.

I did not feel at all awkward tonight, and there was definitely the possibility that I was going to, so that's very good. Also, I won the Where's Waldo competition (well, the official one-on-one version at least), and I feel accomplished.

I ran into my friend Sara Burson tonight, and I haven't seen her in years, and we laughed a lot. It was most excellent.

I am enjoying wearing coats and scarves and boots, but if it wanted to be a little bit warmer I would be alright with that. My house has the worst insulation ever and my fingers are icicles.

I have excellent banter with my higher-ups at work:
Me: "How can I be a slut? I've only slept with three guys"
Pat: "Yeah, but it was all in one night."
Tee hee.

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Wednesday, December 19th, 2007
7:43 am
Last night mom and I had an epic adventure getting our tree out in the rain. We went to get it from those people who are getting all that shit from the county for housing the homeless, which felt good. Our tree is super beautiful and super fresh after standing in the rain all day. Our whole house smells piney. I feel like a lumberjack, because I got to saw the bottom off the tree, etc., and that's not in my usual repertoire of skills. Grrr.

In other news:

I bought Extras, and it's making my life far far better than it could be otherwise.

Tomorrow I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock AND I will sleep in a real bed and I'm very very excited about this combination.

I'm being excessively blunt these days. Things are issuing forth from my mouth that should really remain locked up for all eternity. If I have offended you recently with an unnecessarily blunt observation, I apologize.

Sam was supposed to come today. I don't know how that's making me feel, exactly, but it's not a positive feeling. Blah.

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Monday, December 17th, 2007
7:36 am
This weekend was insaneCollapse )

I want a weekend to recover from my weekend. But instead, the insanity will continue. I need a clone who can do all the sleeping for me so I can go live my life.

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Friday, December 14th, 2007
11:52 pm
I've been having a bout of insomnia this week, which has resulted in lots of nausea and dizzyness and generally feeling terrible in the mornings. I had to go home early from work on Thursday and I didn't go in at all today. Which is obviously not good, but the upshot of this is that I got to stay in and be a Christmas elf today, and I had lots and lots of fun. The fun continues tomorrow with lots of baking and more card making and going to a Christmas party at Tom's, which I'm looking forward to a lot. I think a lot of people are going to be there, at least one person will be dressed as an elf, etc. etc. It should be a good time.

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9:54 am
My pinstriped jacket that I left at Linnaea's about a month ago was still there when I checked yesterday, hanging on one of the pegs. It has restored my faith in Humanity for the moment.

I've lost 10 pounds since I got back to California. Europe makes you fat.

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Thursday, December 13th, 2007
12:18 am
Tonight Maggie and I went out to Frog and Peach and I got a little drunk on beer that didn't suck, which was nice. I love Maggie. Then Ted picked us up and we went to Danielle's house to 'watch' Project Runway, but I didn't watch much of it, seeing as how I don't really care and really just like being with good people.

I love my friends. So so so much.

"Us" by Regina Spektor is my new favorite song. I just bought Soviet Kitsch today, because I obtained it illegally and then it was so good that I felt bad about not giving her money for it. It's so damn good. The woman breaks my heart and puts it back together again with one line of a song.

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Wednesday, December 12th, 2007
12:17 am
Tonight was the Christmas staff party for all employees of Splash Cafe (both locations) and Sweet Earth Chocolates. It was mental, there were around 100 people there. I stuck to people I knew, mostly Brittney and Josh, and had quite a bit of fun.

I am in love with Regina Spektor right now. A LOT.

My mind is pleasantly preoccupied with a million and one things.

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Saturday, December 8th, 2007
4:06 pm
Y'all need to go look at what Lizzie made for me for Christmas:


It's wonderful, and hilarious. Who knew I was such a good dancer?

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Friday, December 7th, 2007
10:37 pm
Dr. Clutter is the most amazing woman in the world.

I had another cervical biopsy today. I don't even remember most of it. It hurt a few times, but not once did I scream in pain. I maybe whimpered a little bit. Not once did I start to hyperventilate. Not once did I feel like I wasn't being taken care of.

And why is this? Because Barbara Clutter is a compassionate person who takes my warnings about my extreme anxiety and abnormal levels of pain to heart, and counteracts them not only with oral valium, but also some sort of intravenous something (whatever it was, it's a miracle drug, and it's why I can't remember anything too clearly) and I think numbing shots down below. See, I can't even remember if I got shots or not, that's how out of it I was.

I didn't even have a single cramp when I got home, whereas the first two times I had this done without the bells and whistles I was doubled over in pain for about 6 hours afterwards.

I am so so so sad that she is retiring next week. She is my hero.

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Thursday, December 6th, 2007
11:09 pm
Oh yes, and most importantly of all:

I really really do not like that I have to go in for another colposcopy/biopsy tomorrow. It's going to be much better this time than it's been before, I know the person who is doing it personally, she is definitely giving me injections of local anaesthetic, and intravenous valium, and all my extra bells and whistles. But still. Urgh.

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Tuesday, December 4th, 2007
12:02 am
Today was all around mediocre. The best part has been making Christmas card. I'm hand making all of them this year with stamps and scissors and glue sticks and paints and inks and ribbon and sewing and little trinkets. I'm feeling very Christmassy, riding my bike around singing Christmas songs to myself and admiring everyone's lights. I'm also feeling very lonely. There were a few moments tonight when I felt very very alienated and it's left me feeling a bit rubbish. Right now I just want to sleep for ages and have dreams where the reality of my life is significantly blurred.

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Monday, December 3rd, 2007
7:36 am
When I went outside just now the lid of the recycling bin was frozen shut, and I actually had to exert a bit of force to open it. This means it is officially wintertime for me, and I am officially allowed to start feeling a healthy amount of holiday cheer.

In other news, the middle of the night is the loneliest time that there is.

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12:18 am
I'm living through stages of denial coupled with a smidge of what appears to be healthy coping, and also stages of looow lows when my guts feel like they're slipping out the soles of my feet. Last night I spent the night at Arian's house because I didn't feel like going home and being alone, but in the end it ended up being far far lonelier to stay. I woke up at 5:30 in a strange house where everyone else was fast asleep, and was bombarded with memories of Sam, and cried my eyes out for about an hour, trying not to be too loud so that I didn't wake anyone. The rest of the day hasn't been much of an improvement, and now I feel like I might be coming down with a cold, but it could just be emotions wreaking havoc on my digestive system and general well being.

My friends are being generally amazing though. Whether it's distracting me with their insane levels of hilarity, or calling me from England (thanks Kerenza, I can't wait till you're on this side of the Atlantic), or just asking me how I am and really caring about the answer, I really couldn't ask for nicer people to be around right now.

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Thursday, November 29th, 2007
2:46 pm
I'm getting very inappropriately drunk on not very good red wine and watching bad television online. Because I need to just drown absolutely everything real out right now. Real hurts way too much. Note to self: don't let this degenerate into full-blown alcoholism, it would be just too inevitable and tragic.

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Wednesday, November 28th, 2007
8:41 am
Last days of Hawaii were wonderful. Saw some endangered birds with mom and "rock-skipping-fish". Went to a secluded stretch of rocky coastline on a military base with the family, and then found out it was secluded because nobody was supposed to be down there- but not before finding coconuts and giant conch shells on the beach. Hiked Diamond Head with my mom at sunrise. Swam in the ocean. Overate frequently. Went to the Waikiki Aquarium and had a serious "moment" with the monk seal, discovered the wonder of live giant clams, was dazzled by color, and hated everyone that was airheaded and stupid and loud, which was about half the people there.

And I went diving in a shark cage with about 30 Galapagos sharks around me. Some of them were 10 or 12 feet long. I got face to face with a few and eye to eye with a few, about a foot away from me. I watched a feeding frenzy from underwater. I was very very very aware of where my feet and hands were, because the bars were not very close together and it was easy for appendages to drift out. It was definitely the best thing I've ever done.

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Thursday, November 22nd, 2007
6:26 pm
So, newsflash: Sam and I are officially on a break until I figure my own head out. After I broke up with him and wrote my last post I went back to my hotel room and basically had a panic attack (they're happening more and more these days, but never mind.) I kept saying "I love you I love you I love you" over and over, and other things. So I called him back, and we talked for over an hour, and he's pretty much the best person in the world. And if that was all it took, I wouldn't be in the biggest quandary of my life right now. But that's where I find myself, and of course Sam finds himself in a much worse place, because no matter what I decide I've hurt him really badly through things that I've said and done. I really don't know where my brain is right now. It appears to be on sabbatical. We'll see.

Mostly at the moment I'm trying to stay in the moment and enjoy my time on this lovely island of Oahu. This morning I walked the length of Waikiki Beach, waaaay down, past the aquarium, where there were no buildings or cars between Diamond Head and me, and I did yoga on the grass as I watched the sun rise from behind it. Then I had the best Thanksgiving of my life (lots of seafood, pumpkin cheesecake), and then my mom and I found some African drummers and threw inhibition to the wind and danced for ages until our feet blistered and we were bright red. And I've just watched the moon rise as the sun set, Full and white and framed by fluffy orange clouds. Hawaii is stunning. Also, I have plans to dive with sharks.

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